How to make a McDonalds Big Mac at home

 I guess I'm like most okes - I like junk food. I try not to eat too much of it because Joy, the mad old cat woman I'm married to says it will clog my arteries and she surprisingly wants me around for a while yet.
 But let's be honest. When you're hungry, a Big Mac, fries and large shake is effing awesome!
 So I was pretty chuffed when I came across this YouTube video published on  The Art of Cooking blog.
 As zee French narrator says: "Zis is 'ow you make a Beek Mac at 'ome."

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How to slice lots of little tomatoes at the same time

  The salad is ready. All that is left to do is slice up half a pack of cherry tomatoes.

 Pfft! All?!! Slicing cherry tomatoes individually is a real pain in the sphincter.

 It's finicky and messy and, if you had your way, you'd just toss them whole on top of the salad. But nooo...it's all about looks. We eat with our eyes...or so we're told by our wives.

 But there is hope for us okes. Here is a tip I found that makes the whole palava quick and easy.

 Published in Harpers Bazaar by Jayne Maynard, a food blogger at This Week for Dinner, it involves clamping the little buggers between two plates and using a sharp knife to cut them all at once.

 Cool trick!

Yo mamma or yo baby mamma will love this! Marco Pierre White's Spaghetti Carbonara

 Your mother did a lot for you. She changed your diaper, wiped your nose, cooked and ironed for you. She was there when you needed her, nurturing and supporting.

 Let's be honest, the poor woman deserves a medal, or at least a meal cooked by you. And Mother's Day is only a few days away.

 Fuggetabout taking her out to some fancy restaurant. Anyone can do that. Cook the meal yourself, dammit!

 But what's an oke or okette, who spends little time in the kitchen, to cook? What's easy, quick and the equivalent of something she'd get in a restaurant?

 The most downloaded recipe on the Australian Masterchef website is Marco Pierre White's Spaghetti Carbonara. It is easy, absolutely delicious and completely failure-proof. Yo mamma or yo baby mamma will love it.

Ingredients:

Serves 4

8 slices pancetta (I used 250g of bacon)

1 x 500 g packet of spaghetti

8 egg yolks

½ cup thickened cream

Grated parmesan cheese, for serving

Salt and pepper, to taste

Method:

1.   Bring a large pot of water to a rolling boil

2.   Add one tablespoon of salt, a teaspoon of olive oil

3.   Add the spaghetti and cook, following the packet instructions as a guideline until the spaghetti is cooked but retains texture.

4.   While that is cooking fry the bacon in a pan until crispy. Once cooked you can place the pan on top of the pot in which the spaghetti is cooking to keep it warm.

5.   Whisk the egg yokes thoroughly and then add in the cream and whisk together until thoroughly combined.

6.   When the pasta is cooked drain it in a colander and toss a dash of olive oil through it.

7.   Return it to the pot. Add in the egg and cream mixture and toss the spaghetti so it becomes coated with the mixture and lightly cooked. Sprinkle over two-thirds of the fried pancetta/bacon and toss to mix in.

8.   Sprinkle some fine, freshly grated Parmesan cheese over the bottom of the serving dish. Top with the spaghetti carbonara.

9.   Sprinkle the remaining pancetta/bacon over for texture. Sprinkle with grated Parmesan. Season with freshly ground black pepper and serve at once with Parmesan on the side.

 When I cooked and photographed this dish, I made the decision to do so at the last moment and only then discovered I had no Parmesan cheese. I substituted with grated cheddar and it was still delicious.

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Microwaved poached eggs

 I always figured microwave ovens were simply for defrosting and heating food, or occasionally nuking rice but of late I've discovered they can do a lot more.
 The discoveries are the result of my acute laziness and lifelong habit of searching for shortcuts. But now there is another reason. I live in a country where the government is so corrupt and inept that they've brought the national (and only) power utility to its knees. This means regular, rolling-blackouts and electricity costs almost doubling over the past few years. Consequently, whacking a roast in the oven, is an exercise in high-risk and, being able to afford to cook it, a miracle!
 I like eggs. I like 'em fried or poached but, most of the time, firing up the gas cooker, boiling water or using a frying pan and having to clean up afterwards, is simply too much PT. Like they say, 'the juice is not worth the squeeze!'
 Mostly I scramble them in the microwave but, though edible, they're rubbery and unappetizing. So, when I came across an article by Cat Bowen on how to poach eggs in a microwave, with seemingly little fuss, I was keen to give it a bash.

 The process is simple:

1.  Fill to three quarters, a microwave-proof, cereal dish, with water as hot as you can get it from the tap. Add a teaspoon of salt and a half a teaspoon of vinegar.
2.  Carefully break the egg into the water and nuke it for around 3 - 3 1/2 minutes. The cooking time will depend upon the initial temperature of the water, the size of the egg and the power of your microwave.
3.  When perfectly cooked remove the egg with a slotted spoon. It should be white and jiggly and the yoke will (hopefully) be oozey and runny.
4.  Eat it immediately! I screwed up here. The egg was perfect when I removed it from the water but only then did I start making the toast and preparing the plate. As a result, it continued to cook so when I finally cut it, the yoke was not as gooey as desired.

 Oh well, you live and learn.

 I poached three eggs before I got it right. Cooking times were erratic because of the variations in egg sizes and possibly the temperature of the tap water. I think a more consistent way to eliminate one of the variables may be to add the egg to already-boiling water. This would mean the water temperature is always consistent and result in reduced, constant cooking times.

Another crispy bacon in the microwave hack

 

 Recently I published a post about cooking crispy bacon in the microwave on paper towels. In my ongoing quest to find the quickest, easiest, least messy way to prepare the food of the gods, I came across this hack.

 You can read the original article on Lifehacker.

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French-Toast Rolls with spicy chicken, diced apple, onions and cheese

French-Toast Rolls with spicy chicken, diced apple, onions and cheese

  This is an easy one and insanely delicious. It keeps well and can be brought back to full glory by heating it for 35 seconds in the microwave, making ideal for work lunchboxes or preparing in advance.

 It's also quick to make and the fillings are limited only by your imagination. I used what I had - leftover chicken - but next time, when I'm better prepared, I'll add bacon and avocado.

 If you don't plan on immediately eating the roll, I would suggest NOT including anything with a high moisture-content, such as tomatoes. Dried tomatoes would probably be fine.

 You'll love this. Try it.

Ingredients:

(Makes 6)

6 slices of bread

1/2 of one diced onion. (I chopped it roughly as I wanted texture.)

2 - 3 cooked chicken breasts

1 sweet apple, finely diced

1 and 1/2 teaspoons of mayonnaise

1 cup of grated cheese

1 teaspoon of hot chili sauce (More if you like it hotter.)

1 teaspoon lemon juice

Salt and pepper to season

3 eggs and a splash of milk

Method:

1.   Flatten the slices of bread with a rolling pin. This prevents the bread from breaking when it is later rolled.

2.   Mix all ingredients, except milk and eggs in a bowl.

3.   Spoon a layer onto the top third of a slice of bread. Do not overfill as this will make it difficult to roll.

4.   Carefully roll the bread and filling into a cylinder.

5.   In a separate bowl, large enough to accommodate the roll, beat together the eggs and splash of milk.

6.   Roll the bread cylinder in the egg mixture. Be careful to do so gently, as it can easily unravel. Make sure it is saturated but do not overdo it. If it is too wet it can become fragile and break.

7.   Fry lightly in a pan, gently turning the roll, until it is golden brown on all sides.

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How to cook eggs and bacon on a fire, with no metal utensils

 Here's the scenario. The doo-doo has hit the fan. It's TEOTWAWKI (the end of the world as we know it) time.

 Zombie hordes abound and you are one of the last okes left alive. The human race is decimated and on the brink of extinction, so you flee to the woods wearing just your camouflage cargo pants and a vest that shows the results of all those gym sessions.

Eggs and bacon

 

 In your backpack you have some eggs and rashers of bacon but there was no time to grab any pots or pans, just your trusty dagger.

 The situation looks bleak. For all you know, you are the last surviving oke in the world. But then, deep in the woods, you come across a beautiful, hot babe. It's obvious she's survived some horrible encounters, as her cargo pants are torn into the tiniest of shorts, revealing long, shapely legs. Her vest is torn so her belly button ring and flat abs are visible.

 Poor thing, you think, but realise there is no time to be wasted on sympathy. Here is your opportunity to save the world. Together you can begin its repopulation. It's a tough job but the future of the world depends upon it.

Headache

 

 You sidle up to her and suggest you get right to it but she pushes you away, bitching she has a headache because she hasn't eaten.

 This could happen and your chance to step up and be a hero would be gone! You have the food but know of no way to cook it.

 But fear not, dear okes, I've found a cool video that will show you how to cook it and make all woodland nymphs swoon. Pull this out of your bag of tricks and she'll soon be swinging on your vine.

 

 

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